The Fantastical Adventure of Hoiti and Toiti Homleyhome
by ItsGettingOld
Summary: Hoiti and Toiti Homelyhome embark on a touching journey of courage, bravery, and adventure.
1. Chapter 1

Bilbo Homleyhome was sitting on the stoop of his Hobbit hole, peacefully smoking while his children/siblings* cackled maniacally next to him. Suddenly a tall, lanky man with a long gray beard was standing in front of them. POOF. Hoiti Homleyhome, being the bright, intelligent, intellectual child she was, instantly whispered in a hushed voice,

"Santa?"

He smiled, because she had guessed correctly. Toiti, her twin brother, barked and proceeded to bite his sister harshly. Toiti vaguely resembled a shih tzu humanoid mutation, and was quite small but also quite vicious, and had fur growing out of his scrawny, misshapen body at random places.

"It's Gandolf, idiot!" he snarled, barking crazily, because his mind was like a shih tzu's also.

"Grandpa?" she murmured, reaching her hand towards the man as if in a trance.

"Gandolf."

"Gandoof?"

"No."

"Gandarf?"

"No."

"WWWWHHHHHHHYYYYYYYY?!" She started to sob because her confused mind was reaching it's limit of ability to comprehend and compute. Gandarf rolled his eyes and turned towards Bilbo, his voice dropping to an ominous level.

"I'm looking for someone to share an adventure." he said. He raised his eyebrows and Toiti growled, a bark forming at the back of his


	2. Chapter 2

throat.

"I love adventure!" Hoiti screamed. She has hearing issues so she has to scream everything.

"Quiet, child, you're not in this." Gandarf snarled. Hoiti clambered up his back and perched on his head because his hair turned out to be a lovely nest.

She was ignored.

Bilbo opened his mouth to respond but was chased back to the safety of his hobbit hole by his brother/son, who was barking like there was no tomorrow and trying to eat him. But of course he did not notice or care, because he was always so repulsed by his children/siblings that he learned to completely ignore them to a point that they did not exist in his mind anymore.

Bilbo turned back to Gandarf expectantly.

"It's your line," he hissed, but Gandarf was busy trying to knock Hoiti off his head. Hoiti was not putting up much of a fight - she just sat, staring off into space with a very possessed smile spread across her face and her left eye twitching slightly. Of course, Gandarf was not that annoyed. Because She Was Adorable. She looked a lot like gollum, but skinnier and with less hair and teeth. And, obviously, bigger feet, because she was a hobbit.

"No. No way. No adventure for me, ha!" Bilbo scoffed. Toiti hissed and clambered up the steps and into the hobbit hole on his hands and knees, Hoiti galumphing after him quite majestically.

"Do they live with you?" Gandarf asked incredulously. Bilbo blinked once.

"Who?"

"The ragamuffins."

"Who?"

"The children. At least I think they're children."

"Who?"

Gandarf sighed and ran his long, thin fingers through his scraggly hair, disheveled by Hoiti's recent


	3. Chapter 3

climb. His eyes narrowed because that's what people do when they're mad.

"You _will _change your mind, Bilbo Homleyhome!" he yelled, and Hoiti screamed terrorfully in the kitchen in the hobbit hole. Bilbo didn't flinch. Because in his mind, Hoiti doesn't exist.

That night there was a knock on the door.

"I'll get it!" Hoiti shrieked. Bilbo was not expecting anyone. But Hoiti and Toiti were. I think.

She opened the door, and in stepped a man. He was huge, but not big. He was terrifying, but not scary. And he was sad. His eyes were big and watery and filling with tears. His graying, slightly gingeresque beard was braided in elaborate loops. Hoiti was still grinning.

"Who are you?!" she screamed.

"My name is Oyn," he said, his voice quivering. Hoiti grinned. Oyn stepped in.

"Toiti! It's for you!" she screamed. One more man stepped in behind Oyn. Well he fell in with a thud and a grunt.

"Oh and that's Gloyn." he said, grimacing. His comrade Gloyn give them a thumbs up before letting his arm drop, his face still planted in the floor. Hoiti grinned.

"Kay! Go! To! The Kitchen!" she screamed, leading them to the kitchen with a swoop of her arm and a slight ballet jump. It was quite impressive.

"Who are you?" Bilbo leaned against the cabinet, terrified.

"Oyn and Goyn!" Hoiti screamed, glancing back at the man on the floor. He gave them another thumbs up. "Goyn is lazy!"

Bilbo ignored her.

"What are you doing at my house, ha?" But there was another knock on the door. This time Toiti came to the rescue! and ran to open the door. Two men were there.

"I'm Dwaahhlin, and this is Baahhlin." one man explained, putting slightly too much emphasis on the "aahh", like a sheep. Or maybe it was just his New Jersey accent. Dwaahhlin shrieked and ran to a different room. He was deathly afraid of people. And carpets. And doors. Toiti barked after him. The other man started spastically waving his hands like a lunatic, jumping and running in place and motioning fervently. What nobody knew was the fact that he was a poor mute man and just trying to communicate.

"I have no idea what you are doing crazy old man." Toiti confessed, slinking back into the corridor and barking mysteriously as he went. He was like a shadow of mystery and abstruseness.

The next knock was special. Hoiti knew it as soon as she flounced over to the door.

"Heeeeellllloooo?!" she sang loudly. _Very _loudly. She flung the door open with gusto, and the man standing there was her day of birth and Christmas and her birthday all wrapped in one hot, hot, _smokin' _package. Heaven opened up and sent a ray of vivacity down on Bilbo's doorstep. His hair... strands of light, rainbows, and gaiety all braided together. His eyes... droplets of pure uncouth, shining and glittering in the heavenly sun. His face was a freaking _painting of joy. _She screamed and leaped for him, a droplet of saliva dribbling down one side of her mouth. She clawed her way up him and wrapped her arms around his neck, shrieking and laughing fanatically. He screamed and fell to his knees, fumbling around his neck, searching for something. He found it and tweeted loudly through the whistle, screaming and reaching for his head, batting at Hoiti with a clawed hand.

"I! Love! You! IloveyouIloveyouIloveyouI_loveyou!_" she wailed passionately. He started sobbing uncontrollably and pleading for his life. Hands wrapped around Hoiti's freakishly skinny writhing body and threw her inside the door, closing it behind her and hearing only muffled clangs and shrieks as she ran about the hobbit hole breaking stuff.

"Help," the man whispered mournfully. His brother held out a hand and helped him up, and the man shivered as he stepped into the house. Hoiti was still breaking stuff. Bilbo was saying "ha!" nervously a lot and setting out food and muttering to himself. Toiti stepped over to them and barked quietly to himself.

"Who are you guys?" he muttered.

"Keelee and Feelee." Feelee, the blonde and non-gorgeous one explained. Toiti nodded and led them into the kitchen, muttering to himself in between barks and growls. Then he busted out laughing. Then he cried. Keelee suspected he was probably bipolar or _something. _Then Hoiti spotted Keelee, the love of her life, and started prowling towards him on all fours. The hairs on the back of his neck stood on end and he turned just as she leaped. He let out a horrified scream and ran, tweeting his whistle frantically and sobbing.

"Keelee, wait!" Feelee wailed. Feelee has abandonment issues. Keelee has emotional detachment issues. Feelee started crying as he sat down at the table.

More people came. Oarey came right behind Keelee and Feelee, breathing heavily like he just jogged for ten minutes or something. Then No-rey and Dora, who glared at Oarey. Then Biter, Boter, and Bomber. Bomber was as skinny as a stick and about as unhealthy looking as a rabbit baby. Boter had The Eyes. I can't describe them. They're just The Eyes.

...

Then came Thorin. He was carrying a stick. Well, technically it was a branch. A birch branch.

"Why do you have a stick?!" Hoiti screamed.

"Not cool, Hoiti. You can't just ask people-" Toiti started.

"Why they carry around sticks!" Hoiti concluded for him. They tended to finish each other's sentences.

"It's not a stick, you simple minded earthworms! It's a branch. A birch branch." They stared at him blankly.

"Kay!" Hoiti screamed after the six second awkward silence mark when if someone doesn't speak the entire group will burst into flames. She started laughing, which quickly morphed into crying. She's bipolar too. Oyn took one look at her and started crying, too. Feelee searched for Keelee, crying because of his abandonment issues. Keelee was crying in a corner and rocking back and forth, eyes glued on Hoiti, who gave him the crazy eyes. Oarey was also watching Keelee, and tears were sliding down his cheeks too. I don't know why. Neither do you. No-rey started instinctively shoveling food into his mouth. He's a terrible stress eater. Dwaahhlin with the accent was still staring at the carpet, screaming. He was deathly afraid of carpets. Baahhlin, the lazy one, was inching towards the table pathetically, on his stomach, attempting at sliding his fat body over the hardwood floor. Biter had a sarcasm disorder. Everything came out sarcastic. So he was rapidly trying to explain to Bilbo that the food really _was _delicious, and he wasn't being sarcastic. But everything came out rude. Bomber, the skinny one, was weakly forcing himself to vomit in the corner, and the stench quickly pervaded throughout the entire house. Boter, the one with The Eyes, was frantically searching for sunlight. He likes light. And fire. A lot. Dora, the apparent Kleptomaniac, was shoving bread rolls into his pockets. Birchbranch's eyes lit with anger at the foolish acts of his group of warriors. He scowled, breathed in once, and screamed,

"


	4. Chapter 4

Pancake mix!"

I'm kidding.

Shut up!" Feelee raised his head off the table and retired from banging his fist onto the wood. Toiti released a sobbing Dwaahhlin from his fanged maw. Oyn wiped the tears lured by his depression out of his eyes. Dora's jacket slipped open and thirty bread rolls spilled onto the floor. Oarey stopped staring at Keelee, who was still rocking back and forth in the corner, fingering his rape whistle. Hoiti sprang to her feet, laughing hysterically.

"You too, dynamo!" Birchbranch bellowed. Hoiti frowned and was quiet for the first time in her life.

"What are all you people doing at my house?" Bilbo wailed, obviously conflicted.

"They were invited." Gandarf explained calmly. Where Gandarf came from, I have no idea. But once again, POOF, he was there.

"Grandpa!" Hoiti squealed before going silent again under Birchbranch's disapproving glare. Toiti hissed and slunk away.

"Let's talk about this over dinner." Birchbranch said. At once all his men stood solemnly and filed into the kitchen. Except Baahhlin. Keelee sat next to Feelee. Oarey sat next to Keelee. Keelee sat down and cried. Dwaahhlin stood. He's deathly afraid of chairs. No-rey sat next to Bomber. Baahhlin was still on the ground next to the door. He's hopelessly lazy. Biter and Boter sat next to each other. Oyn and Gloyn sat next to each other. Hoiti sat on the head chair, bouncing with excitement. Birchbranch picked her up and threw her across the house, then sat.

"Go away, children!" he growled. Hoiti meowed angrily before slipping away into the night.

"When can we eat?" No-rey asked anxiously. He's a terrible stress eater. And Oarey's boring eyes staring into his soul was making him quite stressed indeed.

"We don't have to eat at all..." muttered Bomber, the bulimic. The one with The Eyes, Boter, was playing with a candle. His fingertips were red and the skin was peeled away, revealing burned, charred flesh beneath. He was a pyromaniac.

Birchbranch was attempting to haul Baahhlin into a chair, unsuccessfully.

Dwaahhlin was debating whether or not he should sit. You understand, he was also petrified of floorboards, and there were a great deal of those.  
The chair remained stoic, which Dwaahhlin insightfully realized that it was readying for attack, so he effortlessly tossed his lazy big brother into the menacing chair and sat down on top of Dora, who immediately began to pick his pockets.

"BE QUIET!" Birchbranch said loudly. He wanted to say something much more colorful, but he knew the story was T-rated, so he refrained.

All was quiet, except the sound of Toiti's muffled panting from under the table. Why he was there, I don't know. Neither did Toiti.

"I have gathered you, my most trusted comrades, here today for a very important reason." he began, pausing for effect.

In the silence that followed, a strange, hairball-like choking noise that may have been laughing echoed through the hobbit hole.

Gandarf's eyes widened. He began to look very worried, because whoever knew Hoiti knew that sound never meant anything good.

Suddenly, an awkward form fell from the support beams and landed upon poor Keelee's head.

"RAPE! RAPE RAPE RAPE RAPE!" he shrieked around Hoiti's pale, veiny limbs, scrambling for his whistle.

You see, Hoiti's limited self control was gone, leaving her with no other choice than to physically maul her 'lover.'

Keelee had begun to cry, and fumbled for his whistle desperately, blowing vigorously though it would really do him no good.

Luckily, Hoiti was well trained and, at the sound of the whistle, sat obediently on Keelee's head, assuming her usual wide-eyed, blank stare.

Annoyed to the brink of violence, Thorin Birchbranch rushed over to his nephew and knocked Hoiti off of Keelee with Toiti, who was similarly frozen. The twins fell to the floor, where they proceeded to trot away on all fours.

Hoiti yipped pleasantly over her shoulder, to which Toiti was very confused because usually he was the canine-noise-making one.

Throughout this, Bilbo was very confused. On account of the fact that he was subconsciously in denial of Hoiti and Toiti's existence, what he had just witnessed was very odd. Kili had screamed for no obvious reason, and Thorin knocked an invisible something off of Keelee's head with a second invisible something, which, if you have just received fourteen rude, unwanted guests with varying mood disorders is very peculiar indeed.

Upon being freed, Keelee fled to the corner, where her nervously blew his whistle softly, over and over again, just to be safe.

"I don't want to be alooooonnnneeee..." Feelee wailed, running to his brother. He clutched Keelee and closed his eyes. (He has abandonment issues you must remember)

Suddenly, Oarey started to cry.

"No...one understa-hands meheehee..." he sobbed. Thorin turned his dark eyes on the young dwarf, his expression mildly murderous.

Dwaahhlin began to whimper, his eyes wide.

Biter attempted to comfort him, not wanting a fourth dwarf to start bawling, but his chronic sarcasm issue just made it worse, and soon Dwaahhlin had tears running down his face.

Then Biter cried because whenever he was trying to be nice, it came off as rude. Which it was, of course, but that was beside the point._  
_

Oyn had tears running down his face now as well, but no one knew why. He just did. It is entirely possible that Oyn himself didn't know that he was crying, let alone why.

By this time, Bomber had been whispering horrible, horrible threats, like _cholesterol, trans fats, _and _calories _to No-rey for quite a while, and he was starting to feel stressed. Which made him eat more. Which made him more stressed. Resulting in an endless spiral of stress


	5. Chapter 5

and an explosion of tears, screams, and mixed feelings. Baahhlin, the mute, wasn't really crying, though. He was simply running his finger down his cheek like a mime, which may have expressed that he was either sad or crazy. The sound of sobbing and quiet tweeting and barking in the distance filled up the hobbit hole, some people dejectedly laying their head on the table and staring at emptiness and some banging their fists on the rough wood repeatedly, yawping obnoxiously while tears wet their cheeks. It was a miserable, conflicting, chaotic sight. And Birchbranch would not stand for it.

"QQQUUUUUIIIIIIEEETTTTTTT!" he caterwauled. Everyone grew stock-still. Except for Hoiti, who found herself once again sitting on top of Keelee's head, grinning down at him. He blinked confusedly then yelped, whipping his head about in attempts to throw the screeching creature off his head while reaching for his rape whistle. She flew halfway around the room before landing to a skidding stop on the table, sending sprays of food and beer all over the guests. Bomber screamed.

"No, anything but carbs!" he wailed, vainly attempting to wipe the food off his shirt without actually touching the stuff that seemed so poisonous in his mind.

"Listen, you vile animals! We are trying to convince Mr. Bilbo Homleyhome here to embark on our dangerous endeavor with us." Birchbranch explained irascibly. All eyes turned towards Bilbo. He glanced behind his shoulder like his guests were staring at another Bilbo Homleyhome, then realizing they were talking to him, he pointed to his chest and sputtered out something unrecognizable.

"Me? Me me me? Ha?" he stammered, blinking rapidly like everyone there was a figment of his imagination or a trick of the eyes. Hoiti rose to her feet and clambered over to her father/brother, resting on his head and watching Thorin Birchbranch at the other end of the table with her huge azure eyes. He narrowed his eyes questioningly then shook his head, refocusing on Bilbo and trying not to be intimidated by Hoiti's uncomfortable stare.

"You are the only Hobbit in In-Between-Land that can help us." Birchbranch whispered dramatically. Bilbo blinked once.

"Ha?" he stammered, which obviously meant, 'what do you mean, help you? How? With what? How am I, a lowly Hobbit, able to help you?'. But everyone knew that.

"Well, let me answer some of your questions." Thorin murmured cryptically. He then glanced around aggravatingly, until Boter eventually dimmed the lights slightly, sending a candle illuminating his face. Everyone rolled their eyes.

"What? Dramatic effect." Thorin explained, his voice dwindling off. "Ahem. Anyway... it all started years ago. With... a unicorn!" Biter tentatively raised a hand.

"Um, sir, I do believe it was a _dragon_." he drawled, and Thorin hissed.

"I don't like your sarcasm! Grah, if I can't tell the story good enough, have someone else tell it instead! Baahhlin, tell the story!" Thorin wailed. Baahhlin nodded and proceeded to reenact the story with his hands and, occasionally, the rest of his body. Everyone nodded appreciatively at the well explained parts, smiled wistfully at the beautifully detailed parts, and by the end, everyone was crying emotionally. Even Hoiti, who was shedding sloppy tears right down onto Bilbo's hair. Bilbo


End file.
